the beach

the beach

I hate the ocean…

He pulls off the road, and we bump along onto land that feels uncertain
under the wide tires of the SUV.  His headlights catch the sea, the waves, the endless line that seems to dip past the horizon.
I pry my fingers loose from the door handle. He has a flashlight, and he’s guiding me through brush and hills of sand, right onto the beach.

“The ocean,” he says, like he’s unveiling a painting.

“The ocean,” I repeat, as i lace my finger through his.

The moon is a tambourine in the sky, clouds covering and uncovering it, now you see it, now you don’t. Far away is a campfire and laughter, and we step across beer cans and shells the shape of guitar picks.

“I almost drowned once,” I say. The ocean is so loud he asked me to repeat it and I can’t.

“It’s beautiful, right?” he says. He wants me to love it.  I see in him everything I’m not. 
I felt a chill then, that ran to my toes, and back up again until it clutched my heart. I reach in my pocket for a cigarette, and pull it out to light it. Here, at the edge of everything, I need a smoke. I need a Xanax, but nicotine will have to do.
He cups his hands over mine, and I give the cigarette up, and he holds me.

I’m shaking.

“It’s all right,” he says, and offers the cigarette back, but I don’t take it. 

The sea is rumbling, the spray so close now it hits my face.  If I walk out three steps I will be ankle deep in the ocean. If I turn and run I can be back to the car in three minutes, tops. I look at him. I wonder what he sees in me.  You never really know. I think, if I stay, that he will break my heart open and it will either die or fill up with light so bright I will shine on nights like this.

I think I’m ready to shine.


• shush • 

• shush • 

ever had that point of time in your life when everything convinces you that people have their own versions of reality and truth?

my version of truth, you ask? silence. (bonus: comfy white salwar, milkshake in one hand, a book in another, and voila. )

when the mouth shushes and the heart speaks, that is when you LIVE. 

it feels like nothing & eveything all at once. 

it feels like a splash of waves of serenity, peace.

it feels like the adrenaline rush when you hug your lover after ages of separation.  it is beyond the idea of wrongdoings and rightdoings, of worldly pleasures and lust, of here and now. 

it is SOME thing. it sure is. 

Eye Candy [Part 2]

The magnanimous trap tank sits there like a viking, waiting for me, a goat, to fall in the trap and submissively become another star in the sky.

A glass tank, with water filled to the top, leaving no room for the atmosphere seemed like a Guillotine in itself; where the heads of noblemen were once slayed. 

I head towards it, steadily, firmly. A few of my crewmembers arrange the chains. One for my hands, one for ankles and another one which chains my neck to both of them. It was all chained up, literally. 

I glance up to the ceiling, the spotlights making my eyes glossy. I give a lopsided grin and…..

The clock starts to tick. 4 minutes 59 seconds 

Inside the tank, it feels gloomy. More like one of those days when you break up with someone important to you and every corner of the hustled city seems lonely somehow. Yes, that type of gloomy.

My eyes open wide. My hair are afloat, making monstrous creatures of their own kind. I’m stone cold, but my body feels light, almost as if I’m not more than a feather. For a moment, this is where i want to be- somewhere so deep, so pristine even the problems are foreseen.

But the stupid ticking machine wakes me up from the dreams of serenity.

“I must get out of the tank”

I could barely see the clock but a part of me is certain that i was running short of time. Its either now or never. And if not now, the guests will take home the amazing scene of piranhas feeding upon my wrenched soul their way back home. 

I try unchaining myself as i battle my lashes. It almost feels like my brows are knitted, and soon my skin goes white. I nibble on my bottom lip, as a muscle in my jaw twitched.  I couldnt unchain myself yet. The audience were on their feet, waiting and screaming, somehow trying to motivate me probably. It seems like only a minute is left for me. 

Running short of breath, the big bubbles of my despair and efforts floated upwards. I gasp for air, and soon enough my vision goes blurry. I feel like a toddler- wailing, with my hands and legs all over the place, disoriented. The only difference is that i chose to do this. I figure out the piranhas in the cage right above my tank gradually started coming near. I crave the audience’s attention to move over, to vessel into my character’s eye, and to feel the struggle. 

My hands go numb. Indeed, it is gloomy in here. But i liked gloomy. I have always liked dark. It has always meant to be for me. 

I submissively stop my attempts of unchaining.

What a perfect day-  away from the curse of monotony, away from the judgement, away from the hassles of survivalism. 

The cage above me opens. It’s their feast time! 

~To Be Continued~

Eye Candy [Part I]

Eye Candy [Part I]

Another day, Another show.

The red seats start to fill up slowly, then all at once. Children and their candies, women with their gossips, and men with their caps & sticks gradually lighten up the null auditorium.
Coats and jewels take up the darkness.
Spotlights, check.
Stage backdrops, check.
Sound, check.
And the precious little thing stands still on the stage ~
Time passes by, moment after moment, as the ladies oscillate their fans in the air.
I wait for it. For the beginning of something that either might take my life or give me a new one.
As the room packs up; my excitement turns into intensity and curiosity. The future had always been unpredictable, but at this moment, I’m certain that another adventure awaits for me.
In no time, I’m on stage. Big, royal coat, skinny leather pants and my big, brown hair appear to be glossy under the limelight.
Another day, another show.
Chained, my hand go numb..

~To Be Continued~



An escape from the reality.

Down there in the lost land, away from the city, I sit back with my best companion. Book.

The feeling of nothingness and everything all together cuts out the world from us as each word goes by, possessing my soul, here and now.

Swirling with the wind, like a red wine glass in a Frenchman’s hands, I sip in the words through the doorway of my paradise.

The unheard music plays.

Dancing past the point of no return, twirling through sunflowers, as they glow and burn.

Nothing stops me, I’m free. To discover, to explore the skies and blues. To imagine, to create.

The charismatic aroma of the old paper from the book, filling every space of my body as I inhale.

Setting sun, pixie mist, twinkling lights of the small dots in the sky.

Alone and bold, with my companion. Drunk in Words.

The unheard music plays.